Chapter 13

The infamous word people reoccuringly use the universal word, "love" . For a moment, I figured it has no meaning. It's been overused to the point where it loses all context in it's meaning. I remember reading the Giver and reminded of the fact that it had no meaning in that story. I guess I define "love" as that warm tingly feeling you get when you're "Emotionally attached to something.'' But I guess what it's composed of is trust. What is trust? Well, trust goes two ways, forward and back. Goodness, the feeling to be trusted is something I hardly experience but it feels great. It's this tingling feeling that warms you inside. Trust is valuable,
I'd take a cup of trust any day instead of petty materialism that everyone wants. It creates a bond between you and a person that's strong and unique. But the one thing that always stands in the way of trust is secrets. Oh, how I'd just love to let myself free and leave my mind to say what's always bothered me, I guess that's what we call a "best friend" these days. But I know I'm a fool. Sometimes I regret speaking my open mind, sometimes I say something I regret. I've always ruined an on-going trust build/bonding with my mouth, I get agitated because I let my mind wander. So from that, I learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time, till most of the time I have to let it out somewhere and probably when I do I feel a bit better but I just screwed myself and tha I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I guess it can be a curse at times. Wouldn't it be great if everyone for one day, said what everyone needed to hear?
I guess I love jumping to jumping to conclusions I'm a flawed person trying to trace my steps. I mean after all we are humans, Trial and error leads to success. Karma, bad luck and failure is nothing new of the sorts to me.
And among the midst of this period of my mind I heard the lyrics from a +44 song, "I'm scraped and sober and no one's listening." which gave me a mental smirk. It probably means, (to me) about a person who's beat himself up and (in this case) gotten sober, but he was an ignorant fool and lost everyone that gave a damn. Which makes me feel like I lack certain elements in life, like an empty hole in your "heart" that doesn't fill. How, I would give for a reassuring comment that it'll be fine, how sometimes you feel you're feeling quite lost and need directions but no one wants to give you a map or maybe most of the time you just need reassurance which can change plenty of times.
The path of life is undetermined, sometimes we find ourselves staring at a creepy black bottomless pit but too afraid to step in, because we naturally fear what we don't see or know, we're too afraid to leave our sanctuary, the area where we feel certain and at home. But be that as it may, I'm a chicken to advance.