Penmanship

There are those nights in solitude that I find most painstaking. I am a prisoner of my own mind. I'm constantly forced to relive experiences in my head, pondering what if I had done that or this. It is against my own personal philosophy to dwell on past occurrences, mistakes, or events. However, when there is no one to talk to, when I hear nothing but British bands playing on iTunes, and when I know the sun has already set, I can't help but let loose my mind.
Those are the irritable nights, when I'm not occupied, I'll pick at things. For example, my denial of my ending childhood. The thing I enjoyed most was the sheer innocence of childhood. Being a tourist to a completely new place and world, everything feels mundane now. It's seen that, been there, done that.
Growing up calls for realization in the perspective of life, no longer do simple wounds and cuts scab over easily and disappear. Every thing I decide will leave lasting impression--whether it is in the form of something beautiful or a horrendous scar (which I have plenty of)--and that is the part of the game. You can't quit.
I try to remind myself every day that life is not ideal. I do not expect the best, nor the worst. I don't expect perfect scenarios of course, I try to keep the 'expectations' film rolling in the back of my mind, not to be watched. I try to focus on the 'reality' film roll. But seriously, it is very tempting to watch the reel of film labeled "Expectations" and a complete stab in the eye to discard of it.
To be honest really, I want to be consciously awake. Though writing should be completely expressive;I'm subconsciously hindered by mental filters. My mind edits the ideas I try to say and dilutes it with water. This post is diluted. They're my ideas and thoughts that are trying to leave my head, but they don't seem to come out in a full form, they're fragmented, bits and pieces of glass on the floor. I pick two glass shards up but I realize they don't fit. I don't want to say something that shouldn't be said, but I should say all that needs to be said. But I don't want to try attaching 2 in congruent glass pieces. All in all, a mental filter can work both ways for you.

I think I can say the most satisfying thing as a person for me is to inspire someone. Whether in the form of shoddy writing, the wires of my guitar bending, or just through my own actions, then I can validate myself that I didn't waste so much time dillydally and twiddling my thumbs as life carries on.

At the end of the day, I want to reaffirm myself that I left nothing on the table, I took my keys, wallet, phone. I left nothing on the table. No excuses, I had nothing left, no regrets.
Ideas are contagious, I know that much, they travel quickly and plant themselves in minds (very much like Inception har har) who knows what I'll say that'll be a muse for others.